"The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention."

Richard Moss

There is one question I hear more than almost any other.

"How do I support someone I love who's

grieving?" It comes from friends who don't want to say the wrong thing. Managers who are worried about a member of their team. Parents trying to support an adult child. Partners who feel helpless watching someone they love carry unbearable pain.

The truth is, most of us are trying so hard to avoid making things worse that we end up doing the one thing grieving people often find most painful.

We disappear.

We stay quiet because we don't know what to say. We avoid mentioning the person who died. We hope that if we don't bring up the loss, perhaps we're helping them have one easier day.

I understand why.

But after coaching hundreds of people through grief, and after walking through the loss of my own husband while raising two young daughters, I've learned something different.

People rarely need perfect words.

They need someone willing to stay.

The biggest mistake people make when supporting someone through grief

Most people think supporting someone means finding the right words.

We search for something comforting.

Something wise.

Something that will make the pain a little smaller.

The problem is that grief isn't a problem waiting to be solved.

It isn't something anyone can fix.

When we try to fix grief, we unintentionally communicate that the person's feelings need to change before they can be accepted.

Real support begins when we stop trying to remove someone's pain and simply become willing to sit beside it.

Sometimes your presence says far more than any sentence ever could.

Key takeaways

If someone you love is grieving, remember these simple principles:

• Don't avoid the conversation because you're afraid of saying the wrong thing.

• Say the name of the person they lost.

• Accept that grief isn't something you can fix.

• Avoid clichés that try to make grief feel better too quickly.

• Don't compare their loss with your own experiences.

• Offer practical help instead of saying, "Let me know if you need anything."

• Keep showing up long after everyone else has moved on.

• Ask, "What do you need from me right now?"

• Give people permission to experience every emotion without rushing them towards happiness.

• Managers should acknowledge grief at work rather than pretending it isn't there.

These simple actions often matter far more than finding the perfect words.

Presence matters more than perfect words

Many grieving people tell me the hardest part wasn't only the loss.

It was how quickly everyone stopped talking about it.

Friends became uncomfortable.

Colleagues avoided the subject.

Family members changed the conversation.

Silence can feel like another loss.

One of the most meaningful things you can do is acknowledge what happened.

That may be as simple as saying:

"I've been thinking about you."

"I miss hearing stories about him."

"How are you doing today?"

You don't need to solve anything.

You only need to create space where someone doesn't have to pretend they're okay.

Use their loved one's name

One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is permission to remember.

Many people avoid saying the name of the person who died because they worry they'll upset someone.

Here's what I've found instead.

They haven't forgotten.

They're already thinking about them.

Hearing someone else say their name reminds them that their loved one mattered.

It tells them their story still has a place in the world.

Whether the loss is a spouse, a parent, a child, a friendship, or even the future they thought they were going to have, naming it matters.

Naming loss makes people feel seen.

What not to say to someone who's grieving

Good intentions don't always create helpful conversations.

Some of the most common phrases people hear include:

• "Everything happens for a reason."

• "They're in a better place."

• "At least..."

• "You'll feel better soon."

• "Stay positive."

These statements usually come from kindness.

But they often ask grieving people to move away from what they're actually feeling.

Grief doesn't need to be corrected.

It needs to be witnessed.

Another phrase worth avoiding is:

"I know exactly how you feel."

Even when you've experienced loss yourself, every grief story is different.

Instead of making comparisons, stay curious.

Ask questions.

Listen more than you speak.

Practical help is often the greatest kindness

One lesson grief taught me is this.

When life falls apart, everyday life doesn't stop.

Laundry still piles up.

Meals still need cooking.

Children still need collecting.

Bills still arrive.

One of the greatest acts of kindness someone offered me after my husband died wasn't a speech.

It was laundry.

Another friend organised a cleaner.

Several parents coordinated meals over many months rather than sending everything during the first week.

That sustained support mattered far more than any sympathy card ever could.

Instead of saying:

"Let me know if you need anything."

Try saying:

"I'm bringing dinner on Thursday."

"I'll collect the children after school tomorrow."

"I'm dropping groceries at your door this afternoon."

Specific offers remove the burden of decision-making from someone whose emotional energy is already exhausted.

The four words that change everything

If there's one question I wish more people asked, it's this:

"What do you need from me right now?"

Not yesterday.

Not next month.

Right now.

Grief changes from one day to the next.

Someone who needed company yesterday may need quiet today.

Someone who wanted practical help last week may simply want someone to listen this week.

Keep asking.

Support isn't a single conversation.

It's an ongoing relationship.

Supporting grief in the workplace

Grief doesn't stay at home when someone returns to work.

Employees carry it into meetings.

Into deadlines.

Into conversations with clients.

Into every ordinary moment.

Managers often feel unsure about what to do, so they avoid mentioning the loss altogether.

In my experience coaching inside organisations, acknowledging grief respectfully is almost always more helpful than pretending it isn't there.

A private conversation can be enough.

Ask what support would genuinely help.

Discuss temporary flexibility where possible.

Understand that concentration, memory, and energy may fluctuate.

Supporting grieving employees isn't lowering expectations forever.

It's recognising that human beings don't stop being human when they come to work.

Compassion builds trust.

Grief isn't only about death

One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it only belongs to bereavement.

Grief can follow any significant change.

The end of a marriage.

A career you loved.

A friendship.

An empty nest.

A diagnosis.

A version of life you thought you'd have.

Many people don't realise they're grieving because no one has ever given them permission to call it grief.

Once we name it, we can begin to understand it.

Once we understand it, we can begin to move through it.

Give people permission to feel everything

We spend much of our lives trying to stay happy.

When someone we love is grieving, our instinct is often to help them get back there as quickly as possible.

But healing doesn't happen by skipping sadness.

It happens by making space for every emotion that belongs.

Sadness.

Anger.

Fear.

Confusion.

Love.

Relief.

Regret.

Hope.

All of these can exist together.

Supporting someone through grief means allowing them to experience the full range of being human without asking them to hurry.

That isn't giving up on healing.

It's making healing possible.

Final thoughts

If you're supporting someone who's grieving, remember this.

You don't need perfect words.

You don't need special training.

You don't need to fix anything.

Show up.

Stay present.

Say their loved one's name.

Offer practical help.

Ask what they need today.

Then keep showing up tomorrow.

Sometimes the most healing thing we can offer another person is the quiet reassurance that they don't have to carry their grief alone.

Ready for the next step?

If you're carrying grief yourself and you're longing for more than advice, you deserve a place where your grief can be acknowledged, explored, and gently worked through.

My Permission to Grieve programme provides a structured, compassionate space to help you understand what you're carrying, process your loss, and begin moving forward without leaving your loved one behind.

Healing doesn't mean forgetting.

It means learning how to carry your grief in a way that allows you to live fully again.